One year ago today, our world shattered.
The breaking of the world swept through our lives, creating an infinite fracture of our hearts and spirits. Every moment since has been steeped in pain. It has been a year of devastating firsts, each one seemingly insurmountable, unsurvivable, until you find yourself on the other side, somehow still breathing.
This past year has been veiled in grief. The weight of ten billion anvils presses down on my back as I try to press on in the world, above a hollowed and numbed core. I’ve kept going, often just barely – navigating daily life and holding onto my job, caring for dear rabbits with medical needs, managing the ordinary crises of life with no emotional reserves left. Pure survival.
I will grieve you forevermore, Dad. You are a part of me, just as I am a part of you, and there is such sorrow that you are no longer by my side. I will forever long for your hug, to receive one more email with a link to a great song, to hear you cheering me through whatever crisis I’m facing, to receive one more CD you’ve recorded for me. However, I will not be consumed by grief. Sorrow does not properly honour the joy, the energy, the beauty you brought into the world.
As the sun warmed and spring returned this year, I was drawn once again to the outdoors and the earth. I have tended Dad’s yard with care and planted flowers and vegetables you loved in mine. Recently I have felt the pull from the cupboards and boxes filled with the books, CDs, and DVDs you gave me – treasures I haven’t been able to enjoy yet. I know you’d want me to open them, to immerse myself in the arts and the beauty of the world again.
I will celebrate you as I forge a new transformed path- “love’s new song”, as you write, in your hymn The Ascension. There is no question that I will stumble and I will fall, but I will relentlessly arise again and again. I will find beautiful ways to honour your life and spirit, and to continue to move forward with new pursuits in the spirit of how you always drove forward with passion and curiosity.